Limericks

From “a Book of Nonsense” THERE was an Old Man with a nose, Who said, “If you choose to suppose That my nose is too long, you are certainly wrong!” That remarkable Man with a nose. There was a Young Person of Smyrna, Whose Grandmother threatened to burn her; But she seized on the Cat, and said, “Granny, burn that! You incongruous Old Woman of Smyrna!” There was an Old Person of Chili, Whose conduct was painful and silly; He sate on the stairs, eating apples and pears, That imprudent Old Person of Chili. There was an Old Man in a tree, Who was horribly bored by a Bee; When they said, “Does it buzz?” he replied, “Yes, it does! It ’s a regular brute of a Bee.” There was an Old Man in a boat, Who said, “I ’m afloat! I ’m afloat!” When they said, “No, you ain’t!” he was ready to faint, That unhappy Old Man in a boat. There was an Old Person of Buda, Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder, Till at last with a hammer they silenced his clamor, By smashing that Person of Buda. There was an Old Man of Kamschatka, Who possessed a remarkably fat cur; His gait and his waddle were held as a model To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka. There was an Old Man of Aôsta Who possessed a large Cow, but he lost her; But they said, “Don’t you see she has run up a tree, You invidious Old Man of Aôsta?” There was a Young Lady of Clare, Who was madly pursued by a Bear; When she found she was tired, she abruptly expired, That unfortunate Lady of Clare. There was an Old Person of Cromer, Who stood on one leg to read Homer; When he found he grew stiff, he jumped over the cliff, Which concluded that Person of Cromer. There was an Old Man who said, “Well! Will nobody answer this bell? I have pulled day and night, till my hair has grown white, But nobody answers this bell!” There was an old man of Toulouse, Who purchased a new pair of shoes; When they asked, “Are they pleasant?” he said, “Not at present!” That turbid old man of Toulouse. There was an Old Man of the Nile, Who sharpened his nails with a file, Till he cut off his thumbs, and said calmly, “This comes Of sharpening one’s nails with a file!” There was an Old Man of the Dee, Who was sadly annoyed by a Flea; When he said, “I will scratch it!” they gave him a hatchet, Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee. There was an Old Man on some rocks, Who shut his Wife up in a box: When she said, “Let me out,” he exclaimed, “Without doubt You will pass all your life in that box.” There was an Old Man who said “How Shall I flee from this horrible Cow? I will sit on this stile, and continue to smile, Which may soften the heart of that Cow.” There was an Old Man who said, “Hush! I perceive a young bird in this bush!” When they said, “Is it small?” he replied, “Not at all; It is four times as big as the bush!” There was an Old Person of Hurst, Who drank when he was not athirst; When they said, “You ’ll grow fatter!” he answered “What matter?” That globular Person of Hurst. There was an Old Person whose habits Induced him to feed upon Rabbits; When he ’d eaten eighteen, he turned perfectly green, Upon which he relinquished those habits. There was an Old Man of the West, Who wore a pale plum-colored vest; When they said, “Does it fit?” he replied, “Not a bit!” That uneasy Old Man of the West. There was an Old Man of Marseilles, Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils: They caught several Fish, which they put in a dish, And sent to their Pa at Marseilles. There was a Young Lady of Norway, Who casually sat in a doorway; When the door squeezed her flat, she exclaimed, “What of that?” This courageous Young Lady of Norway. There was an old Person of Philæ, Whose conduct was scroobious and wily; He rushed up a Palm when the weather was calm, And observed all the ruins of Philæ. There was once an old man with a beard, Who said, “It is just as I feared!— Two Owls and a Hen, Four Larks and a Wren Have all built their nests in my beard.” There was an old person of Ware Who rode on the back of a bear; When they said, “Does it trot?” He said: “Certainly not, It ’s a Moppsikon Floppsikon bear.” There was a young lady in blue, Who said, “Is it you? Is it you?” When they said, “Yes, it is,” she replied only, “Whizz!” That ungracious young lady in blue. There was a young lady of Greenwich, Whose garments were bordered with Spinach; But a large spotty Calf bit her shawl quite in half, Which alarmed that young lady of Greenwich. There was an old man, who when little Fell casually into a kettle; But, growing too stout, he could never get out, So he passed all his life in that kettle.