Limericks
From “a Book of Nonsense”
THERE was an Old Man with a nose,
Who said, “If you choose to suppose
That my nose is too long, you are certainly wrong!”
That remarkable Man with a nose.
There was a Young Person of Smyrna,
Whose Grandmother threatened to burn her;
But she seized on the Cat, and said, “Granny, burn that!
You incongruous Old Woman of Smyrna!”
There was an Old Person of Chili,
Whose conduct was painful and silly;
He sate on the stairs, eating apples and pears,
That imprudent Old Person of Chili.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, “Does it buzz?” he replied, “Yes, it does!
It ’s a regular brute of a Bee.”
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, “I ’m afloat! I ’m afloat!”
When they said, “No, you ain’t!” he was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder,
Till at last with a hammer they silenced his clamor,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkably fat cur;
His gait and his waddle were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta
Who possessed a large Cow, but he lost her;
But they said, “Don’t you see she has run up a tree,
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta?”
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was madly pursued by a Bear;
When she found she was tired, she abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff, he jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
There was an Old Man who said, “Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night, till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!”
There was an old man of Toulouse,
Who purchased a new pair of shoes;
When they asked, “Are they pleasant?” he said, “Not at present!”
That turbid old man of Toulouse.
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut off his thumbs, and said calmly, “This comes
Of sharpening one’s nails with a file!”
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a Flea;
When he said, “I will scratch it!” they gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his Wife up in a box:
When she said, “Let me out,” he exclaimed, “Without doubt
You will pass all your life in that box.”
There was an Old Man who said “How
Shall I flee from this horrible Cow?
I will sit on this stile, and continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that Cow.”
There was an Old Man who said, “Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!”
When they said, “Is it small?” he replied, “Not at all;
It is four times as big as the bush!”
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, “You ’ll grow fatter!” he answered “What matter?”
That globular Person of Hurst.
There was an Old Person whose habits
Induced him to feed upon Rabbits;
When he ’d eaten eighteen, he turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-colored vest;
When they said, “Does it fit?” he replied, “Not a bit!”
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils:
They caught several Fish, which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa at Marseilles.
There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat in a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat, she exclaimed, “What of that?”
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.
There was an old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm when the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
There was once an old man with a beard,
Who said, “It is just as I feared!—
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren
Have all built their nests in my beard.”
There was an old person of Ware
Who rode on the back of a bear;
When they said, “Does it trot?”
He said: “Certainly not,
It ’s a Moppsikon Floppsikon bear.”
There was a young lady in blue,
Who said, “Is it you? Is it you?”
When they said, “Yes, it is,” she replied only, “Whizz!”
That ungracious young lady in blue.
There was a young lady of Greenwich,
Whose garments were bordered with Spinach;
But a large spotty Calf bit her shawl quite in half,
Which alarmed that young lady of Greenwich.
There was an old man, who when little
Fell casually into a kettle;
But, growing too stout, he could never get out,
So he passed all his life in that kettle.