The Eggs and the Horses

A Matrimonial Epic JOHN DOBBINS was so captivated By Mary Trueman’s fortune, face, and cap, (With near two thousand pounds the hook was baited,) That in he popped to matrimony’s trap. One small ingredient towards happiness, It seems, ne’er occupied a single thought; For his accomplished bride Appearing well supplied With the three charms of riches, beauty, dress, He did not, as he ought, Think of aught else; so no inquiry made he As to the temper of the lady. And here was certainly a great omission; None should accept of Hymen’s gentle fetter, “For worse or better,” Whatever be their prospect or condition, Without acquaintance with each other’s nature; For many a mild and quiet creature Of charming disposition, Alas! by thoughtless marriage has destroyed it. So take advice; let girls dress e’er so tastily, Don’t enter into wedlock hastily Unless you can’t avoid it. Week followed week, and, it must be confest, The bridegroom and the bride had both been blest; Month after month had languidly transpired, Both parties became tired: Year after year dragged on; Their happiness was gone. Ah! foolish pair! “Bear and forbear” Should be the rule for married folks to take. But blind mankind (poor discontented elves!) Too often make The misery of themselves. At length the husband said, “This will not do! Mary, I never will be ruled by you; So, wife, d’ ye see? To live together as we can’t agree. Suppose we part!” With woman’s pride, Mary replied, “With all my heart!” John Dobbins then to Mary’s father goes, And gives the list of his imagined woes. “Dear son-in-law!” the father said, “I see All is quite true that you ’ve been telling me; Yet there in marriage is such strange fatality, That when as much of life You shall have seen As it has been My lot to see, I think you ’ll own your wife As good or better than the generality. “An interest in your case I really take, And therefore gladly this agreement make: An hundred eggs within this basket lie, With which your luck, to-morrow, you shall try; Also my five best horses, with my cart; And from the farm at dawn you shall depart. All round the country go, And be particular, I beg; Where husbands rule, a horse bestow, But where the wives an egg. And if the horses go before the eggs, I ’ll ease you of your wife,—I will,—I’ fegs!” Away the married man departed, Brisk and light-hearted: Not doubting that, of course, The first five houses each would take a horse. At the first house he knocked, He felt a little shocked, To hear a female voice, with angry roar, Scream out,—“Hullo! Who ’s there below? Why, husband, are you deaf? go to the door, See who it is, I beg.” Our poor friend John Trudged quickly on, But first laid at the door an egg. I will not all this journey through The discontented traveller pursue; Suffice it here to say That when his first day’s task was nearly done, He ’d seen an hundred husbands, minus one, And eggs just ninety-nine had given away. “Ha! there ’s a house where he I seek must dwell,” At length cried John; “I ’ll go and ring the bell.” The servant came,—John asked him, “Pray, Friend, is your master in the way?” “No,” said the man, with smiling phiz, “My master is not, but my mistress is; Walk in that parlor, sir, my lady ’s in it: Master will be himself there—in a minute.” The lady said her husband then was dressing, And, if his business was not very pressing, She would prefer that he should wait until His toilet was completed; Adding, “Pray, sir, be seated.” “Madam, I will,” Said John, with great politeness; “but I own That you alone Can tell me all I wish to know; Will you do so? Pardon my rudeness, And just have the goodness (A wager to decide) to tell me—do— Who governs in this house,—your spouse or you?” “Sir,” said the lady, with a doubting nod, “Your question is very odd; But as I think none ought to be Ashamed to do their duty (do you see?) On that account I scruple not to say It always is my pleasure to obey. But here ’s my husband (always sad without me); Take not my word, but ask him, if you doubt me.” “Sir,” said the husband, “’t is most true; I promise you, A more obedient, kind, and gentle woman Does not exist.” “Give us your fist,” Said John, “and, as the case is something more than common, Allow me to present you with a beast Worth fifty guineas at the very least. “There ’s Smiler, sir, a beauty, you must own, There ’s Prince, that handsome black, Ball the gray mare, and Saladin the roan, Besides old Dunn; Come, sir, choose one; But take advice from me, Let Prince be he; Why, sir, you ’ll look the hero on his back.” I ’ll take the black, and thank you too.” “Nay, husband, that will never do; You know, you ’ve often heard me say How much I long to have a gray; And this one will exactly do for me.” “No, no,” said he; “Friend, take the four others back, And only leave the black.” “Nay, husband, I declare I must have the gray mare;” Adding (with gentle force), “The gray mare is, I ’m sure, the better horse.” “Well, if it must be so,—good sir, The gray mare we prefer; So we accept your gift.” John made a leg: “Allow me to present you with an egg; ’T is my last egg remaining, The cause of my regaining, I trust, the fond affection of my wife, Whom I will love the better all my life. “Home to content has her kind father brought me; I thank him for the lesson he has taught me.”