I Don’t appwove this hawid waw;
  Those dweadful bannahs hawt my eyes;
And guns and dwums are such a baw,—
  Why don’t the pawties compwamise?

Of cawce, the twoilet has its chawms;
  But why must all the vulgah cwowd
Pawsist in spawting unifawms,
  In cullahs so extwemely loud?

And then the ladies, pwecious deahs!—
  I...